One of the comic book characters I most identify with is Peter Parker. Now, I know that I'm not alone in this amazing revelation, since Spider-Man has been one of the most beloved characters in all of fiction due mostly to this fact. Almost everyone can identify with Peter... that's why we cared about him.
It went a little deeper for me. I've had a Parker-esque level of bad luck in my life and the fictional life of Peter and my reality have coincided at a few turns. That should become pretty obvious in posts to come.
I never had a father figure in my life. My parents got divorced when I was 8 yrs old and I never had a coach or teacher or anyone to fill the void of my father. Now, don't get me wrong. My father didn't abandon me and my family. He stayed around until he died when I was 20. It's just that he was a TERRIBLE father. A worse husband. My father was the kind of guy you loved to hang out with, always quick with a story or joke and he was generous of spirit and with his wallet. He always paid for things and bought lunches for his workers. In my opinion, he did this as a way of validating himself. And, again, don't get me wrong... he wasn't an evil man. He was just fucked up. He had a bad childhood and was forced to work at a young age, thereby missing the fun of his teenage yrs and blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't think that forgives him being a jerk most of my life. He thought if he bought me stuff that I would be okay with it. He was always trying to buy something for me or my brother or my sister so we would think he loved us. I never accepted any of his gifts when I was in my early teens. Later on, I took the big stuff because I needed a car and my mother couldn't afford to get me one.
My dad was a text book example of a narcissistic, immature man who did things because he thought he should, not because he wanted to. He was always trying to prove something to someone... who knows, maybe himself.
I've never been able to remember much about my own childhood. Everything before age 7 is pretty much gone. I don't know if it is from hitting my head numerous times as a teen or if it's because things just aren't worth remembering. I do remember being told that my parents were getting divorced and feeling an overwhelming sense of relief. My parents didn't belong together and, unfortunately, I was the only one of the kids who knew that my father was cheating on my mom. Now, at 8, I didn't really understand what that meant but I knew it made my mother cry alot and that was enough to make me think that for the first time that my dad was a jerk. It's also the overriding reason why I've NEVER cheated on anyone in my life. NEVER.
My father cheated. He cheated alot. He cheated on my mother when she was pregnant with my sister. And, apparently, he was okay with cheating. He even helped my brother cheat with my girlfriend on me when I was 17. He would let him come over to his house so they wouldn't get caught. Isn't that a great dad? Letting one son fuck over the other? My dad was just one betrayal in a long line of betrayals in my life by people who were supposed to love me and look after me. It taught me early that you can't really depend on anyone except yourself in life. Sooner or later, when it comes right down to it and it's a choice between you and them, people will always do what's best for them before they do what's best for you.
So this is my teen years. A dad who tried to buy my love and helped my brother screw me over with the first girlfriend I slept with. It makes me wonder what things might have been like if I had someone like Uncle Ben or Ward Cleaver or, hell, even Danny Tanner from Full House as a father figure. Or any father figure for that matter.
I worked with my father in his shop for a year or so before he died. My father had married the woman he last cheated on my mother with and now, 8 yrs later, he was cheating on her with a white trash secretary from the auto parts store next store. It was something right out of Jerry Springer (even though Springer hadn't been created yet). He got her pregnant and he was under alot of stress. You could tell he was feeling the heat and that it was wearing on him. He also knew that I had lost ALL respect for him due to this last bit of infidelity. We were sitting in the office at the end of one day and I was ignoring him as usual. It was just the two of us. It was at this moment that my father said the only thing that could ever be construed as fatherly advice. He said to me "Creep" (that was my father's little nickname for me) "I know you don't think much of me but when you get older you'll see that the world isn't always black and white. There are alot of shades of grey in life and you just have to try to live in a shade that let's you sleep at night." Not exactly "with great power comes great responsibility" but it stuck with me.
My father DID teach me something. He taught me how to be a great father. He gave me the perfect blueprint on what NOT to do as a father and it's served me well in life.
The sad part is that I don't miss him. How could I? I never really knew him. 20 yrs of my life and I have no idea what made him tick. What I miss is having a father figure in my life. Someone to show me what's important in life, to have that lifesavers moment with. That's one of the things that comics couldn't help me with. There weren't alot of great dads in comics. Odin? banished his son to Midgard to learn humility. Reed Richards? Spent too much time adventuring and leaving his son with a scary witch. Bruce Wayne? Took his ward out to fight crime and wasn't exactly a fountain of emotional stability. Uncle Ben was only around for half an issue. I guess the best one was Pa Kent and I just never really cared about Superman enough to get to know him.
So what's a father figure worth? One helluva lot when you don't have one.
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